Thousand Pieces

A part of me died that day, a part of my soul shattered into a thousand pieces.

4 words. 4 words was all it took.

"There is no heartbeat."

Those words hung in the air thick and sticky.

I feel the screaming before i hear it. every fiber in my body screams. 

No, no no no no no no no

I remember everything.

I was losing you so little, so much potential and i couldn't stop it.

My body was failing you. 

I remember them pulling pieces of you out so i wouldn't have to do it at home.

I remember the nurses all crying

I remember my lungs feeling the verge of collapse as i forgot how to breathe. My soul was shattering and no amount of duct tape could keep it together. 

2 days ago i saw your little heartbeat, i saw you wiggle and move. Turning from a tadpole embryo to something more human. You were gone days later and i hated myself.

That morning i woke up full of hope and excitement. I was pregnant but by the afternoon i wasn't. 

I remember slipping into the car and not wanting to go home. Home was safe hours ago, but home was where all hope went. 

A part of me died that day, my soul shattered into a thousand pieces and i am still hunting down those pieces. slowly healing, slowly learning to love myself again.

 slowly realizing it is okay to love my miscarried baby and my rainbow. some days the horrors of that day still break into my dreams. Terrified to think about even trying again, my rainbow's pregnancy was just as rough as your miscarriage. i constant trigger. I am terrified to get pregnant again, but also terrified that i won't ever be again. Luckily i don't have to think that far ahead. just do the next right thing a day at a time. Healing is freeing and sad at the same time. but i am happy to be moving forward not backward.